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NYC Condom — makers of these things — is currently holding a contest to design a new condom wrapper for their brand. Since I’m a person with ideas who knows how to open Photoshop, I figured I’d do them a solid (solid = hard, like a penis get it!!! List didn’t even start and we’re already on a roll….) and throw out some suggestions for possible condom wrapper designs.

Here’s seven condom wrapper designs that’ll definitely put you in the mood (to say “what an awesome condom wrapper design!):

</br>
1. Garfield

2. Famous Authors Series

3. Dixie Cup Jokes

4. Wet Nap Condom

5. Bible Verses

6. Oliver Platt’s Head

7. Advice

Other condom wrapper design ideas? Throw ‘em in the comments.

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Here is the latest music video from the creative team behind Rihanna, for “Hard,” her latest single featuring Young Jeezy. The video tells us a lot about this young singer, who has already been in the tabloids not only for her unique fashion choices, but also for getting the life beaten out of her by the scum of the Earth that is Chris Brown.

But if this video is any indication, Rihanna seems to have transformed… into a woman that could kick anyone’s ass. Honestly, I think Rihanna might be Obama’s only hope of finding Osama. Just put her in the middle of the desert wearing black band-aids over her nips, spiky shouldy pads, 24k bullet belt and a Mickey Mouse helmet. It’s a look no member of the Taliban could possibly resist.

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Where we watch MTV’s Jersey Shore for the betterment of mankind, and then rank our favorite housemates in order from worst to best according to gender. Beginning with…

The Girls:

5. Angelina. Remember her? Us neither.

4. J-Woww. More antics with her boyfriend over the duck phone. In fact, that was her role this episode: Grinding on Pauly, and defending her grinding on the duck phone. Her logic — that they were sex grinding to house music and not to R&B — is the most logical argument since that whole pesky Obama birth certificate thing. Next week, J-Woww gets into a fight defending Snookie, which will definitely knock her up a few places in our rankings.

3. Sammi “Superstar”. Episode picks up where last week’s left off: Sammi gives her number to a cop while Ronnie grinds on some random girl at the club. Ronnie finds out and storms off, with J-Woww about 12 feet behind (her nipples were touching his back, natch.) Sammi heads back to the house to confront Ronnie, who has shredded his gorilla suit in favor of a more flattering terry cloth banana hammock. She attacks him in a way that reminded us of a New Jersey version of Ja’mie from Summer Heights High. “Yowah Disguhsteeng.” — Sammie, dressed like J-Woww’s favorite food, Ham. Of all the girl’s, she the most garbagey = manipulative.

2. Snookie. Snookie calls her Mom on “The Friggin’ Duck Phone” and asks her how lonely she is. The Mom sounds relieved to have some time to herself. Can you imagine living with Snookie? After you BIRTHED HER? Send this woman to Geneva.

Snookie gets her thongy dance on at Karma, performing our favorite dance move from the 1996 Summer Olympics:

Kerri Strug would have been a HIT at Karma. Snookie meets a nice enough guy and they sleep together on the beach. Like, next to each other. They are woken up by a street sweeper.

Snookie’s Mom, who kinda likes Snooks, shows up and is basically Karen from Goodfellas. She is roughly 4800 shades lighter than her daughter, meaning that Snookie’s father is probably the shrunken head guy from the end of Beetlejuice:

Now: The Punch Heard Round The Shore. How DARE a man hit a woman, especially the nation’s beloved Snookie, in the face with a closed fist? Basically, a drunk apey robot from a Phillip K. Dick novel makes his way to the Jersey Shore, and begins stealing drinks from the cast members. The Situation actually acts gentlemanly, wanting to avoid a fight. Then this d**kless dude punches Snooks. MTV cut the punch out of the show following uproar over last week’s knock out preview. And knowing that everyone would tune in to the episode to see said fight, the network waited until the last 3 minutes to start the storyline… and you know what that means…

CLIFFHANGERRRRRR!!!1!

1. The Grenade. See below, under “The Situation and Pauly D.” The Grenade is AMAZING.

The Guys:

4. Vinnie. Has anyone seen Vinnie? Why is the only male member of the house who doesn’t need a human d-warmer on him at all times never featured? Vinnie is intentionally hilarious, give him his screentime.

3. Ronnie Ronnie is such a giant sweet idiot child. He got his oversized ape heart hurt by Sammi! They wept together. We were feeling for him. He hugs girls and weeps with no clothes on. People like this exist?! Yes, Ronnie exists, a veritable Donkey Shlong in a world where the ladders lead him from one bed to another.

Ronnie had sex with Sammi. We know this because the producers cut away to fireworks, which is how babies are made according to Scientologists. Let’s also bring up the fact that he referred to having sex with Sammi as SMUSHING. Ronnie on Sex: “We smushed.” This is also science’s most accepted definition of “Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.” Has Ronnie fallen in love on the Jersey Shore, despite his own rule?

1. Pauly D. Tied with The Situation, see below.

1. The Situation. This guy. Please. I’ll never be able to hate on him ever again after he was so — is the word gracious? — to me when I met him at the MTV office holiday party. And did you ever think about the fact that maybe the reason he was so nice to me was that I didn’t treat him like a piece of meat? And was also dressed like a Gatorade bottle? JK, I would have toasted marshmallows over his abs had there not been 5000 other people standing around chicken fingers under fluorescent office lighting. God, please forgive me.

This episode centered around his antics with Pauly D, trying to lure “the ladies” into the hot tub. What is it about the mystical hot tub that makes the men want to get the women in there so badly? Is that tequila bubbling up from beneath? Did they roofie the freakin hot tub? Not even with hundreds of little roofies, but like one giant one?

The Situation actually finds a girl to make out with him, while Pauly’s girl, sadly, has her period so can’t take her white pants off. (You will note that this young lady will be one of two girls who a. Almost hooks up with Pauly D and b. Will surely kill herself after last night’s airing.) When P-rod McGillicutty wants to leave, that lovable a**hole Situation asks her “What’s wrong? You’re hungry?” because, of course, any girl with 20 extra lbs on her is surely going to shoot up out of bed in the middle of the night like an elderly Jewish man in the throes of a post-War dream looking for some ham. Anyway, the girls leave, and Situation’s D once again sleeps in the outdoors.

Later, at Karma, they meet two willing broads. Sitch gives Pauly the less desirable one… who we will eventually come to know as “The Grenade.” The boys ditch this twosome for two other broads who have a topless car. Convertible chicks come back to the house and refuse to get in the hot tub — JERSEY SHORE SACRILEGE — but luckily, The Grenade & Co. basically break into the house and send the other girls packing.

Then, The Grenade so masterfully c*ck blocks the Situation that, I don’t even know, give this girl an Emmy? A bonus? Something. She deserves something for storming into his room while they were hooking up and demanding her friend leaves with her. The Grenade might be the only sensible person in Jersey, stopping her friend from having sex with a self-titled “Situation” on national television. She deserves to at least be made Lt. Governor of the state.

And once again, The Situation’s best friend, his own lonely penis, keeps on waving around the shore like a metal detector in search of a giant iron vagina.* (*This doesn’t mean anything.)

Thoughts on the episode? Favorite quotes? To the comments!

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A reunited Boyz II Men appeared on Jimmy Fallon last night to promote their upcoming album of department store Christmas songs, singing everyone’s favorite Holiday standard, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls (it’s about Santa Claus):

Needless to say, this performance earns the…

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So, this is happening:

Man, when I was little, I used to love Elmo cause I thought he was my secret lesser-known favorite side character — everyone else could have Big Bird and Snuffy and Oscar as much as they wanted — but he went totally mainstream in the 90s and he just keeps getting bigger.

I used to go see him perform at shady-ass Lower East Side heroin dens in ‘89 when there’d be three people in the crowd wandering in to get out of the cold and figuring they could score some H if they stuck around the band long enough, but now all the sudden EVERYONE’S a huge Elmo fan, his face is on everything, Tori Spelling’s wearing him as a puppet, yadda yadda whatever. Success totally went to that dude’s head — I don’t even recognize him anymore. Yes, even though he’s a very noticeable red puppet with giant eyes.

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Fear not — before getting into this week’s Dexter finale, I’d like to deliver a message:

To return the favor, I promise not to reveal any spoilers about the finale… until after the jump.

But let’s backtrack if but for a moment. I never watch Dexter. Even though Six Feet Under was my hour-long dramatic jam, and my love for Michael C. Hall never waivered, I had trouble getting into his serial killing Showtimey ways the first season. This laziness ended up spiraling into a years of, as the experts put it, “not giving a sh*t.”

Then, on Sunday, the season finale for the show’s 4th season aired. I wasn’t made aware of this fact until afterwards, when THE ENTIRE PLANET (yes, even you Nepal) seemed to be tittering and twittering about how amazing and shocking it was.

It was then I made a decision that would forever change the next 4 days of my life: I would watch the entire 4th season of Dexter, as fast as humanly possible, in a race to beat the internet at what it does best: RUINING EVERYTHING.

My life would surely never be the same. And today, 12 hours of the season behind me, I can honestly say…

(By clicking ahead, you are asking to be spoiled.)

HOLY. MOTHER. OF. SH*T.

(Above, a reimagining of The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David. Sincerely, My Wasted Art History Degree.)

Lots of things to discuss, so allow me to bullet point them:

• FIRST OF ALL. Let us talk about how good John Lithgow was as the doughy, gigantic, buck-toothed Trinity serial killer. He’s always been such a lovable dope — from back in his Terms of Endearment days, all the way up to HAIC (Head Alien in Charge) on 3rd Rock from the Sun. Sadly, if I ever get to meet him, I will certainly not shake his hand following the “High Fiving Jonah – Wait, JK – Your Fingers Are Broken” incident. Not to mention the confidence he had to have his long, pasty body wrapped up like leftover Thanksgiving turkey on Dexter’s chopping block… if that doesn’t nab someone a Golden Globe, what does?
• As far as my 3 day Dexter binge is concerned: Sitting through an entire season of a show in a short span is really asking a lot. It’s like watching a 12 hour movie as quickly as possible (that’s code for catheters, by the way). That being said, I was amazed at the lightning pacing of the season. Every episode seemed to have some heart-grasping moment that kept me on-demanding more. And despite the finale’s big shock, the Thanksgiving episode was the most tense for me personally.



• Speaking of Jonah, can we talk about how amazing this actor’s name is? Brando Eaton! Pretty sure that’s why Marlon Brando died actually. My favorite celebrity name after D’Niro Gnitting. Also, he is hot and probably underaged? We wish him the best.
• Jennifer Carpenter, i.e. Deb, Dexter’s sister, is probably the best actress working in television today. No hard feelings, Patricia Heaton. (No relation to Brando, above.)
• Relatedly, when are Quinn and Deb gonna do it already? She’s chasing elderly tail, while he’s getting played by a psychopath. When don’t they realize? They’re perrrrfect for each other… in that they’re so wrong for each other.
• Oh, when Trinity’s daughter blew her brains out, I was like ” ” breathing normally because I couldn’t really care less.
• There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the ending. Let’s have a mid-post reminder, because why shouldn’t you feel sad at work/after a long day of work:

  Ohhhh lawwwwwd whyyyyy? Don’t get me wrong, Rita was hyperactively annoying as a character (and from what I’ve been reading, she was worse in the last seasons). But killing her off? The Golden Globes should create a special awards for HUGEST BALLS and give it to the writers. His wife is dead, and not even by his own hands. I will say, because I knew there was a shock ending, I had a HORRIBLE feeling when Dexter walked into his house — his killing of Trinity was expected, so what lay ahead? A body in a bathtub, you guys. The real question is: This is a fictional TV show. So why are people taking this so personally? (Even my unfeeling self.)

• So many questions now loom for next season: His wife is dead and police are going to want to know why she was singled out. Dexter is now a single Dad, with a baby and two stepchildren. And he loves to murderrrrr! My instincts tell me that his sister is going to somehow discover his favorite past time.

What did you guys think of the season? The finale? The storylines? Is it worth me going back and watching earlier seasons? Any of you happy they actually killed the wife? What about that son of a bitch Lundy? (We kid.) Feel free to create a lively discussion in the comments so that I don’t feel as left out of Sunday’s post-finale web frenzy.

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• Twitter says their records were briefly compromised when an “Iranian Cyber Army” hacked into their site. There’s just no telling how much damage that country could do to the U.S. now that they know about Gangs Of New Pork #Pigmoviemashups
• Hoooooly crap the headline Friends, Colleagues Honor Charlie Gibson and ‘His Remarkable Career’ scared me. As long as it’s 2009, headlines, you have to be sure to include “BUT DON’T WORRY HE’S NOT DEAD” in anything remotely memorial-sounding.
• Elin Nordegren is reportedly consulting with a high-powered divorce attorney. I’m guessing it’s because she plans to divorce Tiger Woods.
• Reports have yet to show clear evidence that Tiger Woods’ products have begun to sell less following his scandal. I, for one, do not want a Wii Golf Game if one of the digitized avatars you can select is based on an individual whose marriage is on the rocks (this is actually my only consideration when purchasing any video game).
• American Idol co-creator / dude whose name you always see at the end of the credits Simon Fuller is developing a new web series called “If I Can Dream”. In the show, contestants will “dream” about singing professionally and perform in front of three “dreamkeeper” judges to try to earn a trip to “Dreamywood” (Hollywood said differently).

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MTV just had an impromptu holiday party a couple of floors above my office. I had planned on stopping by later on, but when someone mentioned that the cast of The Jersey Shore was going to be there, I put my Rocketeer Halloween costume on and jetpacked my ass up to the 23rd floor.

A large conference room which reeked of (delicious) chicken fingers was filled to the brim with MTV’s finest* (*a euphemism for “everyone”). And there, in the corner, stood part of the cast in all their navy brown glory: Sammi and Pauly D (who looks like a study Mulan). Pauly has always been my favorite, but in person, looked more beautiful Hawaiian woman than Guido.

And there, in front of me.

Was.

THE SITUATION.

I couldn’t resist. This was my moment. There he stood, shorter than I would have imagined, wearing a shiny silver blazer and a face that said “How did I get here?” I rolled up as only a Collins could and began what would end up being THE BEST CONVERSATION OF MY LIFE:

Me: The Situationnnnnnnn! (seriously, that many n’s)

Situation: (mobbed by people with cameras) Hey.

Me: Can you believe it? One month ago, you walk into this room, no one cares who you are. Now look at you.

Situation: Yeah, I know. It’s crazy.

Me: So listennnnnn. You should stick with me tonight. I know everyone here*. (Giant lie.) I’ll introduce you to all the girls at MTV. I think I might be a little too tall for you* (Note: At 6′1″, I stood about 5 inches his senior.)

Situation: Nah, nah, you’re gorgeous.*

Me: (super idiot high voice) Siiiiitchuh.

The End.

Verdict: I’m in love. Also he seems like a nice enough guy who is clearly enjoying the attention. Because I am a lady, I did not ask to dry clean my cowlneck tunic on his washboard stummies, however according to my sources he gladly showed his abs off to anyone who asked.

In a related story, I now have my life’s greatest regret. Good day.

*Ed. Note: OMG.

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A four-year-old kid stole a beer, got drunk, put on a dress, snuck into the neighbors’ house, and stole their Christmas presents?? That’s the most rock and roll thing I’ve ever heard.

This kid is literally now the greatest rock band that ever lived. He’s walking out as a special guest at the next Rock N’ Roll Hall Of Fame concert alongside will.i.am and Stevie Van Zandt to cover Aerosmith’s “Dream On” then Steven Tyler walks out in the middle of the song!!! This is definitely happening.

(via Dlisted)

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I’m torn on the Avatar issue. While I plan on seeing the movie anyway, thus making the following deliberation moot, I’m still trying to make sense of exactly what to expect when I walk into that theater (seven hours early, cause that’s what everyone does in this stupid city).

On one hand, the reviews are pretty unanimously positive, the praise itself has been borderline superlative from some circles (”It’s gonna change filmmaking so much, this is literally the first movie ever made!!”), and James Cameron, though he hasn’t made a blockbuster in a while, really hasn’t ever made a bad movie (I’m not a Titanic fan, but it’s hard to call the most successful film of all time a “bad” movie).

On the other hand, though, every time I see those blue people, I feel like the boy in The Emperor’s New Clothes wondering why no one else is pointing out “These things actually look really, really stupid.” Plus, most of the praise centers around the effects and the aspects of filmmaking itself more so than the movie being interesting or having a plot. Also, if the trailer line “Yer not in Kansas anymoooahhhhh!!!!” is actually in the movie, it’s gonna have to be pretty damn awesome the rest of the time for me to not be laughing at it constantly.

So what’s the verdict? Are you super-psyched to see Avatar? Highly skeptical of the monumental praise? Or just walkin’ in there with no expectations?

Avatar excitedness – leave it in the comments.

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1994, so that makes her….approximately…. hahaha! Just kidding! I wasn’t actually doing a birthdate check on Dakota Fanning, I was just doing it as a big ol’ josh. Gotcha! You totally thought I was gonna be all, “Dakota Fanning looks hot in the Runaways trailer” but that is the opposite of what I’m gonna do!! I’m gonna NOT SAY she looks COLD in the IRON MAN trailer.

Good one, me. Thanks! Now watch the Runaways trailer:

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And now, for literally no reason whatsoever, this photo, brought to my attention by Urlesque’s Stephen Lenz.

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Here’s the first pic of the upcoming live-action Marmaduke movie (tagline may have been added by me):

Seems predictable enough, right? Throwaway family film based on a completely incomprehensible comic, no big deal

Wrong! It’s actually a John Hughes movie for the new generation:

Director Tom Dey (formerly Delay) explains his grand vision:

“We’ve approached the movie like a John Hughes movie with dogs,” Dey says. “The dog park is like high school for dogs. To make this kind of movie, you really have to understand that it is the dog’s world and we just live in it.

“The kinds of rich characterizations Hughes embodied in teenage stars such as Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off translate to the Marmaduke story lines, Dey says, including one theme about “the vulnerabilities” of Marmaduke.

“Marmaduke is a teenager, and he’s trying to find his way in the world,” Dey says. “It’s a boy-meets-girl story, a coming-of-age and cautionary tale. My job as director is to try to place the audience inside this world.”

Dayyyumn (Director) Gina! Sounds deep! I thought it was just gonna be a dumbass movie about a huge uncontrollable dog and his hugeness.

Just as a refresher, this is what a John Hughes movie looks like:

Ahhh, the Breakfast Club. That was a classic. Remember that quote, “I’ll be cooking your bone the rest of your natural born life!” A new addition to the Hughes canon is long overdue. Also with dogs in it.

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Everything about the following online treasure, delivered under our Xmas Bushes by Buzzfeed, warms the very cockles of our holiday spirits. At first, we wondered why the close-up of a sheep face with the word “Rage” scrawled on the bottom of the screen gave way to a man one DNA strand away from being a child molestor holding a sheep while baa-ing. It’s 3 minutes and 10 seconds of brain unravelling bliss. At first you’ll be like “WTF?” until you eventually shake your fist at the sky screaming “Eastern Europe, you’ve done it again.”

If anyone could translate the lyrics in the comments, that would be most helpful.

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The stars of the hit (? Will it be?) movie Avatar ditched their blue faces in favor of their regular old pasty-ass actor faces for a limited edition special 4 issue set of Life Magazine, a publication even your 89 year old dentist canceled 10 years ago. Seems like Avatar’s publicity machine left no dessicated page unturned, as even James Cameron himself got a beard trim for the whitewashed photo shoot. And no amount of blue makeup in the world can convince us that Sigourney Weaver is not Michelle Obama’s long lost white twin sister. Finally: Sam Worthington. I’ll see the movie even though Cameron transformed this beautiful specimen into a freezing cat face.

The rest of the covers are below.

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Robert Downey Jr. is back! Mickey Rourke is obsessive and Russian! Don Cheadle is in a shot! Cars get whipped! Helmets get kissed!

It’s the Iron Man 2 trailer, everyone:

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• A man in The Bronx was arrested today after the FBI pinpointed him as the person who leaked X-Men Origins: Wolverine to the internet before its release, officially ending all crime ever in The Bronx.
• A source tells ABC News that the Tiger Woods divorce is “100 Percent On”. The source? A Southwest Airlines commercial.
• Tiger Woods also never flirted with Jessica Simpson, confirmed Jessica Simpson by yelling “Can’t believe that I’m on the cover of star magazine with Tiger Woods, what a JOKE!” really loudly in the middle of a crowd of strangers.
• Garth Brooks is suing an Oklahoma hospital after donating $500,000 for a building named after his mother that was never actually built. In its defense, the hospital swears they referred to their new company car as the “Garth Brooks’ Mom Lamborghini”.
• And finally, whatever the opposite of “Merry” is, cue it up for this list of the 19 Most Depressing Nativity Scenes.

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Nicole Kidman at last night’s New York City Nine premiere, doing her best Lindsay Lohan meets Mrs. Doubtfire impression. More photos of this powder malfunction over at Just Jared.

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Behold, Unno Anatomic Underwear: The world’s first underwear specifically designed to increase the size of your crotch.

To prove the underwear’s bulge-swelling effectiveness, here’s a dude in Madrid modeling them in front of glass he cracked with his penis because it’s just too big to control now!!!!

It definitely seems like a product my friend would be interested in, but my friend’s a little worried about shattering glass with his d*ck everywhere he walks, so my friend wants to make sure that won’t be a problem if he orders them for himself — any answers, Unno?

More pics of the underwear in action, including an unnervingly captivated father-daughter combo, in the gallery below:

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When people aren’t getting shot downstairs from BWE.tv Headquarters, they’re ~changing the world~. Sorry, did we say ~changing~? WE MEANT WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME.

That’s because it’s our First Official Jersey Shore Protest! Fellow VH1 blogger Rich Juzwiak was first on the scene at the protest, which featured a handful of unemployed residents of New Jersey waving around signs ranging from “Snookie is the Dark Lord” (how dare they?) to the more confusing “If All Jersey Girls are Sluts… Then the USA is Not in Debt.” It’s that exact kind of twisted logic that keeps us coming back to Jersey for more!

More ahead!

Head over to Rich’s site Fourfour for even more photos of the country’s most priority-jumbled New Jersians. Anyone who has time to protest something as pure as Jersey Shore doesn’t even deserve to call themselves a resident of the country’s most shamed states.